Thursday, May 19, 2005

going home

I'm going home tomorrow - going from cool and rainy to warm and sunny, apartment in the city to house in the suburbs, blue state to red state, single woman to daddy's little girl... It's often a strange transition. The other day, my doctor asked me where I was from originally. "Oh," he replied, "that's... red." I laughed, "yes, it is red." He thought for a minute, "Are you... red?" Laughing again, "I guess I'm purple." Not purple, I thought, that makes me sound like a moderate... No, the red in me is about as red as it gets, and the blue is pretty definitely blue... I'm about as out of place here as I am there. It has often bothered me, this reply of, "Oh, that's where you're from? You don't seem like one of them." And then I go home, "How can you be up there, they're so liberal there." It's true, there are things I don't like about both places, but there are also so many things that I love. The people here will never understand the feeling I get when I hear someone with a southern, or even better, Texas accent. The people there will never understand how I felt when I was walking down the street in Paris and saw someone with a Red Sox cap.

So many times, I find that I try to identify myself by my surroundings, but it's a pointless task. I need to go different places, change pace a bit. I find that taking away my usual surroundings gives me a greater insight into what's left - me. It will be so good to go home for a few days, to remember where I came from. I just need some time off to set aside the world that I've surrounded myself with here and find myself again.
In light of all the things I've passed, you'd think that I'd have learned. This is not the land was promised me, even as far as my eyes can see. I'm so wound up, Lord, I can't even breathe, and I don't want words, I just want some peace.
-Not the Land, Caedmon's Call

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