Wednesday, July 06, 2005

first day of school

Well wouldn't you know just when I thought I had this figured out, I'm back at my first day of school, trying not to speak too loud, I raise my hand to scratch my head, I've no ideas of what to do. 'Cause something's changed today, and what it is I just can't say...
~"I Just Don't Want Coffee" by Caedmon's Call
A week ago, I was marvelling in the beauty of being single, thinking about how much I loved being able to savor each moment on my own, realizing that I was completely content without being in a relationship. How quickly things can change. I was at a scientific conference last week. I guess I had a feeling what was coming. At conferences like this, I meet new people, see people who I haven't seen in a year... including guys who aren't scared away by the fact that I'm a physics geek. The inevitable result is, new crushes (or old crushes revisited) and new guys that have a crush on me... never the same person, of course. This year was the same as always, running away from the guy who was staring at me through an entire session, trying to get the attention of the Physicist of My Dreams on the other side of the room... but somehow this year, it meant a lot more to me. I'm not sure what made it different. Maybe it's just that I'm getting older. Maybe it's that fewer and fewer of my friends are still single. Maybe it's that I'm noticing the same pattern of crushes without relationships following, almost unchanged since high school. Maybe it's that once or twice that week, I actually thought that the Physicist of My Dreams returned my sentiments. Or maybe it's just that this time, with this man, I wanted it to work out more than ever before. Whatever it is, I find that I'm troubled by this change. It caught me off guard, and suddenly nothing seems to be where it should be. Especially my head.

On Sunday, the homily was about the gospel where Christ says, "My yoke is easy, and my burden is light." Our priest said that another translation of easy was well-fitted. Our burdens are made to suit us. They aren't made for anyone else, and we aren't given the same burdens that anyone else is given. It takes faith to believe that our burdens are exactly what God has allowed us to carry in order to draw us closer to Him. I don't think I have that kind of faith right now. I don't see what good can come of this or how this burden can be light in any way. But if God has given me this, there must be a reason. Thank God that His grace is still here, even when I can't see it or feel it.
My faith is like shifting sand, changed by every wave. My faith is like shifting sand, so I stand on grace.
~"Shifting Sand" by Caedmon's Call


Pig wot flies said...

I know that feeling. There've always been crushes, but somehow as I get older the stakes get higher and it matters more.

Hey, you're a physicist too! I'm not one anymore (did my bachelors in physics, then went sideways into communication) but I'm part of the dissemination team for a large particle physics computing project. I've just got back from a 3 day meeting with about 80 physicists and computer scientists of which perhaps 6 were women. My problem wasn't crushes, but trying to work out how I fit into the group dynamics since I'm pretty new in post. They're a nice bunch most of the time, but not a pretty sight when drunk.

Part of me knows I'm there cos God meant me to be there, but part of me still wonders why.

Mara's Child said...

Yeah, physics power! It's true, physicists tend to be an interesting crowd... haha, I guess that drunk physicists have become such a normal sight to me, I don't even think it's strange anymore. I'm lucky, though - being in space physics, the female to male ratio is, I think, much better than in particle physics. That certainly helps with fitting into group dynamics. It does get difficult, though, on the days when I realize that although our personalities tend to mesh well, our priorities can be drastically different.

I pray that you will come to know the will of God in your new job. I certainly know how hard it can be to believe that He has something wonderful planned for this when you can't see what that could possibly be.