spiraling toward contentment

I have the pattern memorized by now:
1. I am going to become a nun.
2. But I'm sure that God wants me to study physics - so maybe not a nun, maybe a consecrated single.
3. Maybe not that either, but I'm really happy where I am right now; I'm really happy being single.
4. Ooh, look at that boy, I really like him. I don't like being single; I want a boyfriend, and I want that one.
5. Well, I guess that's not going to happen. I don't know why I ever thought it could. I can't stand this uncertainty. I'm going to become a nun.

I get so frustrated sometimes. It seems that this pattern will just endlessly repeat itself, making me unsatisfied and lonely for the rest of my life. Maybe it's true - maybe this pattern will endlessly repeat itself. But it isn't unchanging - I think I'm improving. I'm spiraling toward contentment. Right now, I'm back at step 4. It's frustrating - this feeling of, "Why do I like him? He'll never like me, so I shouldn't feel this way." But perhaps God has a plan in this that is bigger than a link to add to my paper chain of crushes. This latest link in the chain is... a physicist who loves God. Amazing. His presence in my life challenges me to be the same. I know that whether or not any relationship comes out of this, a friendship with him is something that will challenge me to grow. I must let go of my plans for this friendship and simply allow God to love through me so that I never abuse the gift of this friendship that I so greatly desire to have with the Physicist Who Loves God.

she's right... men are like shoes

A couple weeks ago, I got a pair of brown boots that I had ordered online. They looked nice, fit pretty well... but the insole had all kinds of ridges and bumps in it. They were my 4th pair of brown shoes that I did't like. I was fed up with it all. "That's it!" I said, "I just won't wear shoes!" I was immediately struck by the absurdity of my declaration, but I also realized that I tend to have this same attitude towards another subject.

I remembered a post by one of my friends on how men are like shoes. Her experiences with both seem to be rather different from mine, but I concur with her statement. Neither men nor shoes are ever perfect, but, even though I don't always like to admit it, both are a necessity. I don't mean this in the sense of a romantic relationship. What I mean is that for a woman to say she doesn't need men, just like a man saying he doesn't need women or me saying I don't need shoes... it's absurd. It may be possible for some people in some cases, but on the whole, men and women were meant to live in relationship with each other.

What I am learning, though, is how important it is to take each friendship as it comes, without trying to force it to be something it's not, without fear that I'll be stuck with shoes I don't really like. I find as I learn how to let go of these fears, that I am more able to see the beauty in these friendships. I am more at peace with myself and the people around me. I hope that through all of this I am also more able to accept their friendship and to be the friend I should be to them. These shoes don't fit my feet perfectly... but they're starting to grow on me.