Wednesday, November 23, 2005

spiraling toward contentment

I have the pattern memorized by now:
1. I am going to become a nun.
2. But I'm sure that God wants me to study physics - so maybe not a nun, maybe a consecrated single.
3. Maybe not that either, but I'm really happy where I am right now; I'm really happy being single.
4. Ooh, look at that boy, I really like him. I don't like being single; I want a boyfriend, and I want that one.
5. Well, I guess that's not going to happen. I don't know why I ever thought it could. I can't stand this uncertainty. I'm going to become a nun.

I get so frustrated sometimes. It seems that this pattern will just endlessly repeat itself, making me unsatisfied and lonely for the rest of my life. Maybe it's true - maybe this pattern will endlessly repeat itself. But it isn't unchanging - I think I'm improving. I'm spiraling toward contentment. Right now, I'm back at step 4. It's frustrating - this feeling of, "Why do I like him? He'll never like me, so I shouldn't feel this way." But perhaps God has a plan in this that is bigger than a link to add to my paper chain of crushes. This latest link in the chain is... a physicist who loves God. Amazing. His presence in my life challenges me to be the same. I know that whether or not any relationship comes out of this, a friendship with him is something that will challenge me to grow. I must let go of my plans for this friendship and simply allow God to love through me so that I never abuse the gift of this friendship that I so greatly desire to have with the Physicist Who Loves God.


Pig wot flies said...

I recognise that pattern (apart from the becoming a nun bit, it's never crossed my mind!) I thought I was over crushes and then plunged headlong into one a few weeks ago. It wore off after a while and now I'm just back to enjoying the friendship.
Friendship is a wonderful. Enjoy it, value it, thank God for it.

R said...

Excuse me, but you are funny! :)
I feel your spiraling contentment of your singlehood is a bit like my growing contentment of not being able to find a job...okay, but I'll have a beautiful PhD anyway ("...okay, but I have God's beautiful love"). Let our contentments be proven wrong soon, I hope. :)

LAmom said...

I go throught similar cycles, but for me it's more like:

1. Men are a pain. Hope I outlive my husband so I can have a few years of peace.
2. Well, maybe I can tolerate him, as long as he doesn't get in my way.
3. It is kinda nice having him around sometimes.
4. What would I do without my husband? Where is he right now? Let's get it on!

For me, actually, those cycles are often closely tied to my monthly hormonal changes. I figure it's part of being a woman.