housing headaches

Sometimes I read things like, you know, the story of Job in the Bible, or the Lord of the Rings, or some other story where someone is facing difficulties and shows great strength. I remark on the beauty of the story, the beauty of character that the person showed during their trials. I think about how I want to be like that. I have so much faith no matter what goes wrong in life, God has a bigger plan and will use it for his glory. Then something goes wrong and I realize what a wimp I really am.

My apartment lease ends in 20 days, and I have no idea where I'm going to live after that. One of my roommates-to-be is going in to surgery in 5 days, so if we don't find a place by then, we're definitely in trouble. I know I shouldn't worry. I know that we are doing all we can, and we need to trust God to pull us through the rest. I know that at the very worst, we'll find a place that we don't really like a lot, but it will still be a roof over our heads - is that really so bad? But somehow, this knowledge can't keep the tension from my shoulders. This can't keep my thoughts from drifting back to my worries when I should be concentrating on my work.

In the midst of all of this, I am reminded that there are bigger things to worry about. I have other responsibilites to attend to, and other people in my life whose needs should never be neglected simply because I am worried about my own. I am reminded of Joseph, who left his home at a rather inopportune time, because it was his responsibility. When he was looking for a place to stay in Bethlehem, was he thinking, "Oh no, where am I going to sleep? Will it be uncomfortable?" No, he was thinking only of Mary and Jesus, of making Mary comfortable and of the important event that was soon to take place - the birth of Jesus. God has, in a way, put me in the same place. I don't know where I'll be sleeping in 20 days. But He has also called me to pay closer attention to the needs of others. They have work to do, and I need to make that easier, not harder, for them to accomplish. I have been placing too much emphasis on my own fears and worries, and it was caused me to neglect the presence of Jesus in my midst.

what i don't understand about darwinism and intelligent design

Last Thursday, Cardinal Schonborn of Vienna wrote a letter in the New York Times describing the Church teaching on evolution. On Saturday, an article came out describing how dismayed and angry scientists were about this redefinition of the Church's teaching.

But is it really the science the Catholic Church has a problem with? Or is it certain beliefs that many scientists accept? From Cardinal Schonborn's letter, it sounds to me that his problem is not with evolution, but with, as he quotes Pope John Paul saying, "theories of materialistic philosophy." Which brings me to my problems with neo-Darwinism and intelligent design (ID). I'm not about to claim that these aren't science. It's just that they aren't science as I am familiar with it. As a physics student (and not a cosmologist), I'm familiar with science that says, "These processes occur in nature (or in a laboratory), and this is how they occur." I think that Cardinal Schonborn and the Church teachings are pretty clear in saying that there is no disagreement with evolution as a process that occurs in nature. That is simply a question of science, pure and simple.

The evolution debates remind me not so much of the science debates that I'm used to hearing, but rather a debate that we had once in history class. We were studying ancient empires and using the Bible as a source. I don't remember the exact passage we were reading, but it was a passage in the Old Testament where God works a miracle. Our professor said, "Now, we know that the miracle didn't actually occur, so we need to find out as historians what really happened." When someone spoke up to challenge this, the professor said something along the lines of, "well, spiritually, you can believe what you like, but right now we are approaching the text historically and rationally, so we can dismiss the possiblility of miracles." Obviously, I was rather dissatisfied with his answer. It seemed like a cop out. I understand, of course, that it would be difficult, perhaps impossible, to tell whether a miracle actually occurred, but I don't see how you can make the assumption that it didn't happen. If there is a God, and He does work miracles, then He works miracles whether you are studying history or science or theology.

This is what the evolution debate feels like to me. My gut instinct is to say that people are not debating processes that occur, they are debating history. They are not asking, "does evolution occur?" They are asking, "Did evolution occur completely through random processes to make us what we are today?" To answer that question definitively one way or the other requires faith as well as science.

This idea, I think, is at the root of any argument that claims intelligent design is not science. Often I agree with these claims. But the New York Times article of last week shows me that whether or not ID is science, we need it in the scientific community. The New York Times article puts Cardinal Schonborn's letter and Church teachings at odds with science. It quotes a Christian biologist as saying, "There is a deep and growing chasm between the scientific and the spiritual world views. To the extent that the cardinal's essay makes believing scientists less and less comfortable inhabiting the middle ground, it is unfortunate. It makes me uneasy." But the Cardinal's letter, as I said above, is not at odds with evolution as a process. It is at odds with the philosophical beliefs that stem from neo-Darwinism, which seeks to answer the question, "Did evolution occur completely through random processes to make us what we are today?" If ID is not science, then neither is this assumption that all evolutionary processes occurred completely randomly. If the non-science of materialism stemming from neo-Darwinism is alive and well in the scientific community, then ID should be equally present. Perhaps I am wrong. Perhaps the question posed above is entirely in the realm of science. But you cannot have it both ways. You cannot have neo-Darwinian materialism standing in the realm of science while ID is in the realm of theology.

After saying all this, I freely admit that I know very little about biology, evolution, or intelligent design, and I wouldn't be surprised if there are more than a few things wrong with what I said above. Helpful comments are certainly welcome.

hope holds to Christ

My tantrum of last week has wound down, and as always, when I quiet down enough, I begin to hear the voice of God comforting and challenging me in new ways. I find that it is after my little rebellions that I learn even more completely what my shortcomings are... but also how to accept them. I am not perfect, and even when I do make progress in the right direction, it is slow, often painfully so. I am impatient and a perfectionist, and I am not happy with this slow progress. It's like watching trees grow. I can see the little, day-to-day changes, but I'm convinced they're not actually growing. What I am learning about hope, though, is that you don't have to see the progress to believe that it will happen.

One of my favorite scripture passages was read at Church on Sunday, Romans 8:18-23, which then goes on to say, "For in hope we were saved. Now hope that sees for itself is not hope. For who hopes for what one sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait with endurance." I do not hope for what I see, then, but I wait. This is not a passive waiting either, but one that actively seeks to bring about the change that I hope for.

I know I probably should not talk about poems here. I know nothing about poetry, and my interpretations are almost certainly wrong, but I enjoy them, and if my interpretations are wrong, at least they are interpretations that appeal to me. So I will put here a beautiful poem by Gerard Manley Hopkins:

HOPE holds to Christ the mind’s own mirror out
To take His lovely likeness more and more.
It will not well, so she would bring about
An ever brighter burnish than before
And turns to wash it from her welling eyes
And breathes the blots off all with sighs on sighs.
Her glass is blest but she as good as blind
Holds till hand aches and wonders what is there;
Her glass drinks light, she darkles down behind,
All of her glorious gainings unaware.
. . . . . . . . I told you that she turned her mirror dim
Betweenwhiles, but she sees herself not Him.

The picture I have in my mind as I read this poem is a girl holding a mirror in front of herself. It is dark, and she washes it over and over, trying to see in it the image of God. The poem says, though, that is appears dark because she sees herself, not Him. So if God is reflected in the mirror, where is He? He is being reflected not to her, but to those around her. If we let our tears dry on the glass, all people will see is a filthy mirror, but instead of letting our tears dry on the glass and make it dirty, we must use these tears and sighs to clean the glass. We cannot always see the good we do, and we cannot always see how near Christ is to us. It is one of the trials of this world. But God can do good through us, if we let Him.

prayers

Pig Wot Flies remembers the mercies of God today.

Today I cannot post on my own difficulties. I pray only for the people in London now, for healing and a renewed strength for the British people, in thanksgiving for the lives that were spared and in thanksgiving for the lives of those who were not spared and for the comfort of those left behind.

first day of school

Well wouldn't you know just when I thought I had this figured out, I'm back at my first day of school, trying not to speak too loud, I raise my hand to scratch my head, I've no ideas of what to do. 'Cause something's changed today, and what it is I just can't say...
~"I Just Don't Want Coffee" by Caedmon's Call

A week ago, I was marvelling in the beauty of being single, thinking about how much I loved being able to savor each moment on my own, realizing that I was completely content without being in a relationship. How quickly things can change. I was at a scientific conference last week. I guess I had a feeling what was coming. At conferences like this, I meet new people, see people who I haven't seen in a year... including guys who aren't scared away by the fact that I'm a physics geek. The inevitable result is, new crushes (or old crushes revisited) and new guys that have a crush on me... never the same person, of course. This year was the same as always, running away from the guy who was staring at me through an entire session, trying to get the attention of the Physicist of My Dreams on the other side of the room... but somehow this year, it meant a lot more to me. I'm not sure what made it different. Maybe it's just that I'm getting older. Maybe it's that fewer and fewer of my friends are still single. Maybe it's that I'm noticing the same pattern of crushes without relationships following, almost unchanged since high school. Maybe it's that once or twice that week, I actually thought that the Physicist of My Dreams returned my sentiments. Or maybe it's just that this time, with this man, I wanted it to work out more than ever before. Whatever it is, I find that I'm troubled by this change. It caught me off guard, and suddenly nothing seems to be where it should be. Especially my head.

On Sunday, the homily was about the gospel where Christ says, "My yoke is easy, and my burden is light." Our priest said that another translation of easy was well-fitted. Our burdens are made to suit us. They aren't made for anyone else, and we aren't given the same burdens that anyone else is given. It takes faith to believe that our burdens are exactly what God has allowed us to carry in order to draw us closer to Him. I don't think I have that kind of faith right now. I don't see what good can come of this or how this burden can be light in any way. But if God has given me this, there must be a reason. Thank God that His grace is still here, even when I can't see it or feel it.

My faith is like shifting sand, changed by every wave. My faith is like shifting sand, so I stand on grace.
~"Shifting Sand" by Caedmon's Call