rejoice in the Lord

-- Update --
More thoughts on joy, sorrow, and gratitude:
quotes from Amanda
thoughts from Carolyn
and a poem from my Marianne
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At this time last year, I was pondering the effects of spring, watching the first signs of green appear, watching flowers slowly trying to open up and face the sun. I thought of how painful it was, when roots begin to thaw and the first green appears, brought out into the still-too-cold air by the cool spring rains. My head was filled with the words of T. S. Eliot:

April is the cruellest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring rain.
Winter kept us warm, covering
Earth in forgetful snow, feeding
A little life with dried tubers.

~from The Waste Land

But I knew that I had to let go of my fear of the open air. It was time for me to grow.

By God's grace I have grown - I hope I am still growing - and I find now that the cold and rains and growing pains of spring bear with them something that I had neither expected nor dared hope for: joy. I was reminded of a book that I read many years ago called Hinds' Feet on High Places, which talks of a little flower called "Acceptance-with-joy." The Lord is turning me into this flower, each day more so. Many times over, the Lord has showed me how these things - acceptance and joy - do not appear together instantaneously, but one always grows out of the other. True joy can only come from acceptance, and out of true acceptance, slowly but surely, must grow joy.

So often, I want to be reassured of the joy beforehand. I want to know exactly what that joy is and how and when it will appear. Is that acceptance? No. Acceptance is, however reluctantly done, the action of faithfully taking hold of Sorrow and Suffering and by grace moving forward. The road is hard, but joy which springs from it would be unheard of - or if not unheard of, then completely misunderstood - along any easier path.

In this, then, is joy: not in a denial of suffering or pain, but in an acknowledgement that Love is one mystery from which spring both sorrow and joy. It is an acknowledgement that the Lamb who stands as one slain, the Risen Christ still bearing the open wounds of His love for us, wants us to share completely in His life: in His cross and His glory.

One Foot in Eden

One foot in Eden still, I stand
And look across the other land.
The world's great day is growing late,
Yet strange these fields that we have planted
So long with crops of love and hate.
Time's handiworks by time are haunted,
And nothing now can separate
The corn and tares compactly grown.
The armorial weed in stillness bound
About the stalk; these are our own.
Evil and good stand thick around
In the fields of charity and sin
Where we shall lead our harvest in.

Yet still from Eden springs the root
As clean as on the starting day.
Time takes the foliage and the fruit
And burns the archetypal leaf
To shapes of terror and of grief
Scattered along the winter way.
But famished field and blackened tree
Bear flowers in Eden never known.
Blossoms of grief and charity
Bloom in these darkened fields alone.
What had Eden ever to say
Of hope and faith and pity and love
Until was buried all its day
And memory found its treasure trove?
Strange blessings never in Paradise
Fall from these beclouded skies.

Edwin Muir

I don't agree with all that this poem says; to claim that love and charity were unheard of in Eden seems very wrong to me, but it expresses beautifully how the fallen world in which we live provides a way for God's power to be known as His glory shines even in the midst of darkness. Or put another way, in the words of the Dread Pirate Roberts: "Life is pain, Highness! Anyone who says differently is selling something." I could never claim otherwise, but this cannot keep me from saying also that life is joy. And where does this joy come from? The joy of the Lord must be our strength.

I pray that in this Easter season, you may fully experience the joy of the glory of God springing from the fertile soil of acceptance and watered by His love.

all the (mostly meaningless) answers

Clayton at The Weight of Glory had this on his blog, and I thought it looked like fun.

Instructions: Go to your music player of choice and put it on shuffle. Say the following questions aloud, and press play. Use the song title as the answer to the question. NO CHEATING.

How does the world see you? Always Love (Nada Surf)
I wish that were true! By the grace of God, one day...

Will I have a happy life? Pies Descalzos, Suenos Blancos [Bare Feet, White Dreams] (Shakira)
Seems to be a song about Adam & Eve taking the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden... but as I am learning from the Easter Exultet: "O happy fault! O necessary sin of Adam, which gained for us so great a redeemer!" When even my sins and failings are transformed by the love of Christ, how can I fail to have a happy life!

What do my friends really think of me? Father of Lights (Vineyard)
Umm…. What?

What do people secretly think of me? Someone Searching (Ginny Owens)

How can I be happy? Jind Mahi (Malkit Singh)
No clues there… apparently I have to learn Hindi to find out.

What should I do with my life? Climb On a Back That’s Strong (Caedmon’s Call)
Amen!

Will I ever have children? Independence Day (Mel C)

What is some good advice for me? Barrel of a Gun (Guster)
Oh my.

How will I be remembered? 40 Acres (Caedmon’s Call)

What is my signature dancing song? The Healing Time (Smoke Ring Days)

What do I think my current theme song is? Weather with You (Crowded House)
Actually… that’s true, though perhaps a little out of date. I even had it on my AIM profile from January till just recently... when I replaced it with the words from the Easter Exultet (see above).

What does everyone else think my current theme song is? Hotel California [Spanish Mix] (Gypsy Kings)
Funny in all sorts of ways.

What song will play at my funeral? Do It Again (Nada Surf)
Back to the Hindu theme with reincarnation, perhaps?

What type of men/women do you like? Walk Down This Mountain (Bebo Norman)

What is my day going to be like? Priidite, poklonimsya [O come, let us worship] (from the Rachmaninoff Vespers)
More than appropriate for a Sunday!

stern as death is love

Both Wittingshire and Sexless in the City have recent posts that have made me think... and have made me remember my vocation.

Amanda at Wittingshire relates the life of a religious sister to the life of a stay-at-home mom, with the following dialogue from the novel In This House of Brede and from the words of a friend:

"Can you call it nonsense? All down through the ages, thousands of intelligent women have made it their chosen way of life."

"Because they had nothing better to do."

"On the contrary; because they knew there was nothing better they could do."

"It's the most important thing I could ever do, but some days it is so hard. I'm not capable of being loving every minute of the day. I don't have enough patience, or enough wisdom. I mess up all the time..."

"I can't."

"But I'm a better person for trying. Far better, because it makes me rely on Christ every day."

"I can't. So You must."

Meanwhile, Anna discusses hope found in seemingly unlikely places as God's protection thwarts our own plans to reveal blessings in disguise.

As always, Anna's post seemed to echo so perfectly where I am in my life... Yet even Amanda's post, different as it seems from the way I live my life each day, spoke to me, as I'm sure it speaks to every Christian, because at its root, Amanda's post speaks of the vocation of every Christian: the vocation to love. Each and every day, we are called to act not out of selfishness, not out of a need or desire to be loved, but simply, without fear, to bring Christ's presence to those around us. As a single woman, I am free to do this in ways that a religious sister or a mother is not able to do.

My call to live patiently as a single woman doesn't make sense in the eyes of the world. It does seem like nonsense, doesn't it? "You need to advertise yourself," my friend says. In a sense, she's right. If I really want a boyfriend, I do need to advertise myself. But like Anna, I find that what I really want... what I've really always wanted... was not a boyfriend, but a husband and a family and the ability to live in patience and act in love until that day comes.

In the meantime, I am learning so much about myself and how to love. I am learning about who I am, finding my identity in Christ. He asks me to set Him as a seal on my heart, to take my identity and confidence from Him and His love for me.

Set me as a seal on your heart,
as a seal on your arm;
For stern as death is love
Song of Songs 8:6

And as the Lord delights in me and rejoices over me, I begin to realize that if this is how he loves me, how can I fear to show that love to others? I have so often hidden my love - love for my family, for my friends, for those whose lives affect mine deeply. Why should I fear to show this? I am learning to let go my fears of rejection, my fears that they will not appreciate or value this love. How does Christ love? His sacrifice on the cross... his quiet, even unnoticed presence in the Eucharist... when does he demand recognition in return for his love? So if this is how my God loves me, then let me be as bread to those around me, unnoticed, but equally unashamed to offer myself. My worth does not arise from the esteem of those around me, but from the seal that I wear on my heart, the mark that says, "look! my God rejoices in me!" As I grow through all of these things, I am learning the truth of the words that St. Paul wrote:

An unmarried woman or a virgin is anxious about the things of the Lord, so that she may be holy in both body and spirit. A married woman, on the other hand, is anxious about the things of the world, how she may please her husband. - 1 Corinthians 7

I have seen this to be true in my own life. I have a freedom now to serve the Lord in a way that would not be possible if I had someone else to think of and to arrange my life around. I realize more and more each day that this IS the most important thing I could do.... but at the same time, it IS so hard... I fail so often. "I'm not capable of being loving every minute of the day. I don't have enough patience, or enough wisdom. I mess up all the time... But I'm a better person for trying. Far better, because it makes me rely on Christ every day."

These last words are the words I have learned to speak to Christ every moment of each day, "I can't. So You must." And slowly but surely, I am learning to take both my strength and my identity from the Lord.

Take, Lord, and receive all my liberty, my memory, my understanding, and my will. All that I have and cherish, you have given to me. I surrender it all to be guided by your will. Your love and your grace are wealth enough for me. Give me these, Lord Jesus, and I will ask for nothing more.
~St. Ignatius of Loyola